(Not So) Nerd Q&A: Why Do People Care If I'm Still a Virgin?

When you're in high school, and possibly later in life, you might be led to believe that everyone is obsessed with one topic--boys AND girls talk about it, parents (awkwardly) talk about it, TV shows devote episodes to it, entire movies use it as the central plot element.

Some of my classmates constantly ask me if I am still a virgin. I choose to not answer the question because I know what their reactions are going to be like, but since I don't follow the high school trend of talking about it all the time they see me like a weirdo. Why do they care if I'm still a virgin?

I realize this isn’t a particularly nerdy question, but I’m sure a lot of young people think about it, and I believe it would put a few minds at rest if they had a better perspective on what makes this nugget of knowledge everyone's obsession.

The truth is, the people asking you about this don’t care if you've had sex or not. What they care about is where they stand in comparison to everyone else, on an arbitrary scale of coolness and popularity.

What they’re really asking is an internal question: “is this girl/guy so much more attractive than I am that s/he has already had sex and I haven’t?”

It's a pretty silly question. In reality if you could tell just by looking, you’d see (depending on their age, socioeconomic status, geographic location, and whether you’re looking at CDC, NCHS, or NHSR data) that about 60% to 85% of the students in your high school have not had sex.

I know there will be at least one indignant reader out there thinking “but at my school all the kids had sex by the time they were 16!” Ahem…no. A lot of the kids said they had sex, very likely some did, most didn’t, and of course some lied about it. 

I know putting up with your classmates' questions is uncomfortable, but you’re doing the right thing to not answer. It’s none of their business.

(By the way, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex. I think people should wait until they’re out of high school, but I’m not judging anyone who isn’t a virgin. It’s none of my business either.)
 

Nerd Q&A: Straight Talk

Here's a question that I personally answered a while ago, but after thinking about it, I figured there may be other people out there who want some straight talk.

Do you have any personal advice (not a gimmick or step-by-step program) for someone who is socially anxious?

Yes, actually. You know, I like step-by-step instructions, but they can be a little disconnected, and sometimes you just want to know what other people think, how they feel, and how they get through life.

So I’m going to share a few things that I’ve figured out over the years.

Nerd Q&A: How do I Accomplish This?

Krystal Tubbs - Study

This isn't exactly a nerd-specific question, but I think it's worth answering if it helps someone meet their goals in life.

 I am 15 and I want to become a nerd and just focus on excelling at school, working out, and learning computer science. How can I accomplish this?

First off, the things you say you want to accomplish will not make you a nerd. You might consider them nerdy, but they are very good things to focus on that will help you do better in high school and later in college if you choose to go there.

You should also include making a few new friends and spending time with them. If you focus on computer science and working out, I think you might make some friends in the process, so that's sort of included in the plan, just remember that it should be one of your overall goals.

Here’s how you can make this happen:

1. Desire it. You’ve expressed your desire, so you can cross this off the list. Congratulations!

2. Make a 4 or 5 year goal list. (Make the goals real things such as making better grades, not becoming Batman.) In your case this might include specific things like:

• raise my GPA to a 3.5, 
• make one friend who is more physically fit than I am, 
• make one friend who is better at computer science than I am, 
• distance myself from Phil who always talks me into smoking with him, 
• be able to program mobile apps, 
• crush the 100 burpee challenge. 

Write it all down on paper and put it somewhere you can see it every day. For a multi-year goal you should have specific things to show you made it, and your list should have a lot of things on it. You will accomplish some of the things early. That’s great, cross them off the list so you’ll be able to see that you’re progressing.

3. Set objectives that you can meet in a shorter time frame and will get you closer to your goal. This is where you look at your list and figure out how to make each thing happen:

• I want to raise my GPA, so I have to make 5 As and 1 B each term this year (or whatever your school curriculum works out to). 
• I want to crush the 100 burpee challenge, so I need to take a body conditioning class. 
• I want to make friends with one person who is more physically fit than I am…wait…I can do that in the body conditioning class, etc.

4. This is the hardest part. For each objective you must actually do the thing you decide will get you there. You will be sorely tempted to do one more day of stupid shit than start on your objective, or to give up at the first sign of difficulty or the first setback. You know what? It’s fine if you give in to temptation. That’s your choice. But you won’t accomplish what you want if you give in. Think of it as “present you” being a friend to “future you”. Present you can be a crappy friend who never shows up on time, lies, and steals crap. Or present you can be a great friend who gives future you things to make him stronger, smarter, and better prepared for a healthy life with a well-paying job.

5. As you complete objectives, cross them off your list and make new ones that are closer to your long-term goals. As you complete long-term goals, make new ones.

6. Evaluate your progress each year. Start now, not on January 1. See where you’ve accomplished a lot. See where you can work harder. Perhaps you will need to commit more time and energy to some objectives than others. Figure out where you’re not as strong so you can make yourself stronger there.

That’s it.

You might think that writing stuff down isn’t the same as accomplishing what you want, or that it’s lame, or that it won’t work, but what have you got to lose? Get some paper and a pen right now and start writing out some goals and figuring out how to reach them. Make sure to include one goal you can make a small start on right now, even if it’s reading an extra chapter for homework tonight or finding out how to sign up for Body Conditioning tomorrow.

What are you waiting for? Get started!

Nerd Q&A: Swimming in the Mainstream

I'd like to be able to send a message back in time to my teen self and answer this question: 

I am a socially awkward nerd. How can I become more social and mainstream?

Being social is something everyone learns, just like talking or writing, so you just need to approach it as such.

The number one thing to do is to get practice by talking with more people. It doesn’t matter if these are co-workers, members of a hobby club, or people in a class. Just get outside your home and talk with people.

Don’t worry about the “nerd” part of your question, focus on the “more social” part.

If you’re not sure how to behave, here are some tips:

Nerd Q&A: Are You Offended?

Vasilis - Nerd Broche

Just in case anyone else was wondering:


Does it offend you if someone calls you a nerd or geek?

Not at all. 

Some people might feel hurt because of the negative connotations associated with those terms. Other people might be downright offended at being called a nerd if they identify as a geek (or the other way around). 

I'm fine with people calling me either nerd or geek because I identify with both. I realize that these terms have negative origins in the previous century, and some people still use them as an insult, but I have always taken them as terms indicative of intelligence and passion, so I have no problem with the words or even the people who use them.

Side note: if someone calls you a nerd or geek with the intent of insulting you, consider the fact that nerds and geeks pretty much control all the information on the planet, so you've just been equated with the most intelligent and potentially powerful people on Earth. That's a fairly poor insult, but a nice compliment. Maybe smile and say, "cool." Then walk away.

I openly call myself a nerd, associate freely with other nerds, and talk with both nerds and non-nerds about my nerdy interests.

I don’t call myself a geek because my interests are so varied that I don’t think I’m quite passionate enough about any single thing to qualify as a geek, but when people say I’m geeky I take it as a compliment because they’re implying that I know a lot about whatever I’ve just said or done.

If another nerd or geek calls me a nerd or geek…that’s like a professional acknowledging another professional, and I take it as the ultimate compliment.

Nerd Q&A: Why Are Smart People So Quiet?

I've heard the phrase "still waters run deep" too many times to count, so I think most people (and I include myself in that group) consider intelligence and silence directly connected.

Before I go on, I need to get the obligatory disclaimer out of the way: not all smart people are quiet.

But this is still a fair question that has a lot going on behind it.

Nerd Q&A: Classifying Computer Geeks

What are the types of computer geeks?

Hmm. This is a question I don’t see a lot. I can only imagine why someone would ask, but if it’s worth asking it’s worth answering.

Note: By setting up classifications I am in no way suggesting that every computer lover fits into a single category, or that someone who is good at systems administration is necessarily a geek or nerd.

Blake Patterson - The Byte Cellar (Check out his other awesome pics!)

Nerd Q&A: How Can I Say Interesting Things?

Alan Turkus - Conversation

I am a boring nerd who isn't considered cool at all. I generally talk about things which seem boring to others. How should I be interesting and cool?


The easiest way would be to hang around people who are interested in the same things you are. They will find the things you talk about interesting, and it will be much easier for you to be cool.

If you regularly find yourself surrounded by people who think your topics of conversation are boring, you should ask yourself why you're with those people.

Seriously, your free time is limited. Spend it with people who appreciate you.

Nerd Q&A: Can a Programmer be Interesting?

Malcolm by Matthew Ragan

I'm so glad people are concerned about their friends' well being. It gives me hope.

I have a nerd friend who only knows programming. He spends every hour on coding. He's about to date a gorgeous babe who knows nothing about programming. How does he keep up a lively chat? He wants to get to know the woman better, but is concerned that she is only interested in his money because he has had previous bad experiences with gold-diggers.

This is a lot to unpack.

Let's start with your...ahem...friend. It's noble of you to care so much about your friend's social life, but I'm going to go ahead and write this in second person to make life easier.

Nerd Q&A: Is There Such a Thing as Nerdy Fitness?

JD Hancock -[ beGIn m8rnInG w8rk8ut ]-

What are some nerdy hobbies for getting into shape?

Thanks to fitness trackers, pretty much any physical activity can be nerdy these days, but there are some choices better suited to nerds than others.

Nerd Q&A: Can You Profile Someone in a Video Game Arcade?

Chris Ainsworth - Tron

I love this question:

What can you learn about someone by going to video game arcades (Dave & Busters, Gameworks, Chuck E. Cheese's) with them?


If you have the time, and the tokens, I think you could work up a complete psychological profile on a person just by observing them in a video game arcade. I think this merits a longer article, but for the moment I'm going to consider the simplest cues.

Nerd Q&A: How Do I Know?

Modified Version of Andrew Filer's The Physics Lab

How do I know if I'm an authentic nerd or geek?

This question concerns me.

While I don't think the person asking intends the subtext I'm reading, the question implies that there's some official measurement, or perhaps a governing body, to determine a person's nerd quotient, and this idea has caused a lot of grief in nerd circles, particularly for female nerds who get accused of faking their nerdiness. I never thought I'd see a day when people were accused of false nerd credentials, but here we are.

Yes, there are nerd and geek tests that score how big of a nerd/geek you are, but these are memes similar to the "which Harry Potter wand are you" quizzes, and aren't in any way a reliable method of determining if a person is or is not a nerd.

I'm going to take the scenic route to answer this question because it's important to understand that cultural authenticity is subjective, particularly when talking about arbitrary social labels like geek and nerd, or even jock, goth, emo, etc. Who decides what criteria add up to an authentic geek? Who approves membership to the nerd club?

Nerd Q&A: Will I Ever Have a Relationship?

mliu92 - Not in Oz

I hear this question so often that I think we all need a bracelet saying, "It's OK to be alone right now."
(Unless you're locked in a basement. In which case you need to call the police.)

"Should nerds worry about never having a relationship?"

Nerd Q&A: Why are Nerds So Good at Games?

Gamerscore - Rihanna Xbox Live

Here's a fun question:

Why are most nerds excellent gamers?


Practice!


That's really all there is to it, but you know I'm not just going to give the short answer.

Nerd Q&A: What's up with Nerds and Inhalers?

Retinafunk - Inhaler Street Art

Here's an astute question.
Why are nerds in movies and on TV always carrying around inhalers?

I never paid attention to this trope, even though I consider myself a nerd but never had an inhaler, and few of the nerds I've known in life had inhalers either. Based on my personal experience the inhaler=nerd stereotype isn't true, but it still strikes me as believable. Here's why:

Nerd Q&A: How Do I Get a Nerd To Go Out With Me?

Pierre Willemin - Nerd Power

Here's a question I would like to see more often.

I'm a very outgoing woman but I'm attracted to a shy, awkward nerd: how do I get him to go out with me...and maybe take things further?

You may have noticed this already: the majority of nerds are, as you put it, shy and awkward. A lot of nerds don't realize they're attractive, or they're simply insecure, which means they misinterpret signals that other people easily pick up, so they don't typically make the first move.

Nerd Q&A: Am I Smart Enough to Date a Nerd?

mliu92 - Not in Oz

I'm not sure how many people have this question and are afraid to ask, but I've heard variations on it over the years:

I really like her, but I'm worried that she's more intelligent than I am and we'll be incompatible.

He's always talking about things that go way over my head.

Sometimes she's telling me about concepts and I literally have no idea what she is talking about.

I'm worried that he's only with me for my looks.

I wonder if a more intelligent person might be better for her.

Nerd Q&A: How Much Do Looks Matter?

Performer by The Lost Gallery

Here's a question I see a lot, both from girls, boys, women and men. In some form or another it boils down to, “how much do looks matter?”

I'd love to tell you that looks don't matter, but that would be a lie, and I'm not going to lie to you. They matter. Everyone knows this is true, and anyone telling you otherwise is trying to sell you something.

(Unless the person is visually impaired, in which case you can skip down to the hygiene section.)

Looks matter to everyone, even you.

That's right. I said it, and I can hear the plaintive, “but looks don't matter to me at all!” Just stop. You're not fooling anyone.

Nerd Q & A: I'm a 15-year-old Nerd. How can I Build Social Skills?

An anonymous Quora user posted this conundrum that is a pretty common situation, so it's worth adding to the manual.


I am a 15-year-old nerd with an interest in computers and stuff. I lack social skills. What are some ways to build them?
 
My interests also include economics, and I'm almost engaged to computer and non-fiction books.

A previous article about Flexing Your Social Muscle will offer some advice on building your social skills, so take a look at it, but here are a few things that will be more specifically helpful in your situation:

Nerd Q&A: How do I Impress a Popular Girl (or Guy)?

This is a real-life question from Quora. I've heard it a lot in various forms, and even asked it myself, so I think it's worth answering.

Elijah asked, "how can a nerd like me impress some popular girl without making a fool out of myself?"

There are lots of good answers about talking and listening, which are perfectly valid, but if you're a nerd you should approach this systematically.